Another Week Later

I seem to be bad at updating... crazy busy is what it’s been. But it’s been good, it really has. I know that last week I didn’t feel like I knew what I was doing - I didn’t. There are some things that I still don’t feel like I know what I’m doing... but it’s getting better. I’m sure it is just an experience thing. The more I do and the more I succeed or the more I fail and am able to pick myself up off the floor, the better it gets. The perfectionist in me just doesn’t like not knowing what I’m doing, it makes me feel like a failure. I recognize this and try and tell myself it... but there is a disconnect between my brain and my heart. But it’s getting better and things really are going pretty well.

I preached this past Sunday and since most of my friends seem to be posting their sermons on their blogs, I will do the same at the end of this entry.

In other news, I went to Cedar Point on Monday with Joel. It was a good way to get away and enjoy riding some roller coasters. I’ve always been a thrill junkie and will ride almost anything. Well, Joel and I rode all the biggest, baddest roller coasters in the park including one that launches you to 120 mph in 3.8 seconds, goes up 90 degrees to 420 feet before coming back down at 90 degrees and 120 mph again before stopping. Click here for a link to a movie of the coaster (you’ll need Quicktime to view it). It was nuts, but it was freaking awesome!!

And now for the sermon:

Sermon - September 3, 2006

Text: Mark 7:1-8, 14-15, 21-23

Sometimes the biggest obstacle I face is myself. Never was this more apparent to me than last summer while I was working as a chaplain at the Ohio State University Medical Center. During the course of the summer I provided pastoral care to those who needed it. I spent time with people who were dying of cancer, people who just lost a spouse, and people who were watching the chest of their sister just to make sure she took another breath. It was not an easy job, especially at first.

Last summer started much the same way internship has started. I was thrown into the deep end of the pool and told to swim on my first day. Ok, so maybe it was the third day, but it felt like the first day. My supervisor decided that I should have the most critical unit in the hospital, the Medical Intensive Care Unit (or MICU). Somewhere along the way I had said I liked a challenge and he decided that was the best place to get it. So on the third day of my new job, Marge, the staff chaplain who normally had MICU, took me up to the floor and introduced me to a few people, mostly staff and nurses. During the introductions she got a page and had to go to another unit in the hospital. She left me up there all by myself.

I had no idea what I was doing! I was petrified. I didn't know anybody and really I didn't even think I knew how to do my job. But I really wanted to do a good job. I really wanted to get it right. But I wasn't quite sure what was right. So after walking around the unit for a little while, I took the first step and found somebody to visit.

It didn't go well, but it didn't go horribly either. I was too focused on doing the job right - even if I wasn't clear about what that meant. I couldn't listen to the husband of the patient. I was too busy paying attention to what was going on inside of me. I walked out of the room and because I was so busy paying attention to my job and doing it right, I cannot possibly tell you what he and I talked about. I was so wrapped up in myself, in finding the right thing to say, in questioning every move I made, that I missed out on what was right in front of me. I was so busy doing my job that I forgot to do my job.

The Pharisees were so busy doing their jobs that they forgot to do their jobs. God had chosen the Jews to be the light to the world. That was their job, to be God's people and then to help others be God's people too. God had given them the law - a set of guidelines to go by in order to do their job. But most of the time these rules left a lot up for interpretation and like me they didn't really know what they were doing. They were not clear about how they were to do their job. They wanted to get it right, they wanted to please God. But the more they focused on trying to do their job, the less they were able to do it.

The more the Pharisees tried to follow the law and do their jobs, the more they fell into routines. Routines were easy to keep, easy to follow. You know what is expected of you as long as you stick to the routine. The longer I was a chaplain, the more I started to develop and stick to routines - things I knew that worked. For the Jews that meant keeping everything clean. It was routine; everybody, all the elders and the Pharisees did it. They kept everything clean - it was simple, it was easy - they all knew how to do it and what was expected. The problem with routines is that we become so comfortable that we miss out on what is right in front of us. We continue to be so busy doing our jobs that we forget to do our jobs.

We often get into routines in our own lives too. We wake up to go to work at the same time every day. We respond to our spouses in the same way we always respond when they ask us how things are going. We eat the same food on Thursdays that we have always eaten or order the same meal we always order at a particular restaurant. We go with what is safe - we go with the routine.

Church can become routine too. We only talk to the people we know and don't say hi to people we don't know. We worship the same way because it is what we have always done. We sing the same hymns because they are familiar and we like them. Sometimes we aren't even open to new ministry opportunities because we've never done it before. It isn't routine. It isn't safe. It isn't comfortable. It might be that we think it is dangerous or possibly even just wrong.

Like any people in a routine, the Pharisees were afraid of looking at anything outside the routine. This is why the 'dirtiness' of the disciples was such an issue to the Pharisees. The disciples were followers of a man claiming to be the Son of God and yet were not clean people. They did not follow the rules, they didn't follow the routine. How could they be children of God without following the tradition of the elders? The Pharisees were so busy worrying about the cleanliness of others they couldn't do their job. Cleanliness was the ditch the Pharisees had fallen into and they couldn't see what was standing just outside.

Instead of being obsessed with God, they were obsessed with cleanliness and making sure everybody lived according to the rules.

Jesus notes their misplaced obsession. He tells them, "8 Isaiah prophesied rightly about you hypocrites, as it is written, 'This people honors me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me; 7 in vain do they worship me, teaching human precepts as doctrines.' 8 You abandon the commandment of God and hold to human tradition."

"You abandon the commandment of God and hold to human tradition." They were so busy doing their job that they forgot to do their job.

More importantly, you've missed what was standing right in front of you. It isn't about the routine. It isn't about being clean or unclean. It is about loving all people - regardless of who they are. The Pharisees have abandoned the commandment of God - the biggest commandment of them all - Love God and love your neighbor as yourself. The Pharisees were so busy doing their job that they forgot to do their job. They were so consumed with doing things right, they forgot about God completely and failed to see the disciples, the people standing right in front of them.

We miss things right in front of us. I missed the husband of the patient in MICU. In fact, I missed a lot of people at that hospital. We might miss the person sitting next to us - the person who desperately needs someone to talk to. We might miss our kids who need their parents to listen to them. We might miss our boyfriends, girlfriends, or spouses. We might miss what is standing right in front of us all because we are too busy doing our jobs to do our job.

We get so wrapped up in doing what we think is right that we lose focus of what we should be doing. The Pharisees wanted to exclude the disciples because they were different, because they didn't follow the rules. We exclude people or ideas because they are different, because they don't follow the rules. But Jesus turns this upside down. It's not about doing the job right - because Jesus has already done it.

See it isn't about what is on the outside, about doing things right. It is about what is on the inside, about what is in our hearts. "14 Then [Jesus] called the crowd again and said to them, "Listen to me, all of you, and understand: 15 there is nothing outside a person that by going in can defile, but the things that come out are what defile… 20 And he said, "It is what comes out of a person that defiles. 21 For it is from within, from the human heart, that evil intentions come: fornication, theft, murder, 22 adultery, avarice, wickedness, deceit, licentiousness, envy, slander, pride, folly. 23 All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person."

These are things that are within each of us. All of us have demons inside, none of us are exempt. The Pharisees' routine is a sham. Nobody is clean - all of us are dirty. No matter how hard they work to stay clean, they will always be dirty. That is without Jesus. Jesus heals us - he makes us clean. Jesus healed people everywhere he went - including the entire region of Gennesaret. Wherever he went, people came to him and were healed. He also cast out demons, including in the daughter of a Syrophoenician woman, the lowest of the low. The sickest of the sick are healed. Whatever ails you, whatever defiles you, Jesus casts out. Whatever makes you dirty, Jesus cleans away.

Jesus breaks down the walls that live within us. He casts out the demons that haunt us, the ones that drive us nuts. He casts out the demons of loneliness, hurt, anger, and pain. He breaks down the walls of isolation, pride, and contempt. He fills our hearts with perfect light that casts out the fear of failure. Everything from within, everything that we battle, Jesus casts out. He helps us battle our worst enemies, ourselves. He helps us to see God, to bring us closer to himself. We defile ourselves, but Jesus cleans us even in the worst of our grime.

Jesus frees us from the need to do our job right. Jesus frees us to see what is right in front of us - to see the people we need to see. To love unconditionally, to love others different from ourselves.

Jesus freed me to do my job as a chaplain. He freed me to be able to listen to people - to hear what their concerns, their hopes, and their fears were. I fell into a routine because I didn't think I was good enough or had enough to offer. But I found out that I had more than enough because I had Jesus and Jesus is always more than enough. I am more than enough because I am a child of God - a child that Jesus set free to live boldly in the world.

Jesus reminds each of us that we are children of God, just as he reminded the Pharisees that they too were children of God. Jesus brings our focus back to who we are and who we worship, God. Jesus frees us to be ourselves. It isn't about rules, how we worship God, or even what we look like. It is about the power to live as children of the light, children of the same God. It is about being able to be authentic, about being able to worship God with everything within us. It is about Jesus healing us and giving us the ability to do these things. It is about Jesus cleaning up the grime in our lives, the nastiness that gets in our way. It is about being clean, about being holy - all because Jesus does it for us. Amen.

A Week Later

It’s a week later and things are crazy here. I moved in a little over a week ago. Tomorrow is my first official day, but I’ve still be working my butt off. Part of that is because I preach on Sunday. The little bit that I was doing in addition to getting my bearings straight probably would not have taken me that long... but I was trying to write a sermon in the midst of that and my parents were still here until yesterday. It was good having them around, but not terribly conducive to getting work done. As of right now, the sermon is not done but at least it has direction. I’m probably about a third to half way done with it. While tomorrow should technically be my day off, I will be finishing my sermon. Hopefully it won’t take terribly long.

Internship has been an interesting experience so far. There have been several points where I have felt like I don’t know what I’m doing here. There are other points when I feel like I can do this. So far, I think the lack of confidence/competence has vastly outweighed the confidence/competence. The next couple of days should be alright... preaching, I can do that. I know how to do that. I think a big part of it is experience. There are some things I have done and there are many others that I have not. But I think another part of it is feeling like so much rests on this year. So much of what I’ve been doing for the past two years and what I hope to do in the future rests in how this year turns out. Yes, it is a learning experience, but I think the notion about how much this year means is on the back of my mind which kind of paralyzes me. I’m at least aware of it and trying to combat it... but I sort of feel like I’ve managed to fool everyone before, make them think I can do this, and now the truth will come out that I am a complete failure. I’m sure (on one level) that this won’t happen. But that nagging feeling is always there in the back of my mind.

So mixed feelings and a need to sort it all out plus probably just give it time. I’ll let you know how it continues to go.

Kate

Pictures of Chagrin Falls

 

And So It Begins...

Internship has begun. I moved into my house (it has four bedrooms... two stories... it’s amazing) on Wednesday afternoon after packing and cleaning for three and a half hours in Columbus that morning. I spent some time unpacking that evening and finally crashed sometime after 1:00 AM. I got up at 8 the next morning and spent some more time unpacking... particularly electronics. Friday I left for a council retreat at Camp Mowana, my first official act as an intern. After an overnight and full day of meeting with the council, I returned home Saturday night (last night) exhausted. I went to Chagrin Falls proper for dinner with my parents and then went to bed in an effort to prepare for this morning. After two church services and a church picnic, I finally was able to come back here and take a three and a half hour nap. Plus, this morning at second service there was a baptism and in addition to the church picnic following second service, there was a wedding at the church at 12:30 and the reception followed at the church. It was nuts, but it was good. I think this is going to be a good year. The council at this church is comprised of incredible people and I am very happy to be working with them. The entire congregation is very welcoming and my supervisor is awesome. I’m a little bit nervous about some things simply because it is a new experience. But now that I’m here, I’m far less nervous about things than I was before moving. We’ll see what happens.

In the meantime, I will post some pictures of the falls which give Chagrin Falls its name.

Kate

More Space...

More space equals more stuff... that’s what I’m learning. I know that I don’t have much more space now than I had when I last lived in New Mexico, but I am learning through this packing experience that I have managed to fill the extra space with more junk. Let’s not forget the extra books I acquired over the past two years not to mention other random ministry related items. Oh... and electronics. I’ve acquired some more electronic gadgets too which means more stuff. More paper from the extra classes - paper I want to keep not only because I’m a pack rat but because I think it might serve a purpose in my job. Let’s just say that I have a lot of stuff... more than I probably should I suppose. But in some ways, I’m not necessarily willing to part with it.

Good news, I’m getting there. My desk is cleaned out, but not off. I’ve also got my kitchen stuff, all of it, to pack up as well as all my clothes. All my electronics are still in use. Those will go at the last minute. All my toiletries and first aid stuff still needs to be packed as well... this includes the bathroom.

So that’s where I’m at. My room is a wreck right now... a complete and total mess. But it’s ok. I’m willing to live with it in the midst of all this packing.

Kate

A Few Reflections on Pain and Suffering

It’s late and I know I should be asleep... but I seem to be having the problem of being a night owl lately and no matter how early I try to get myself to go to bed, it just doesn’t happen. I keep staying up later and later knowing that I get to sleep in at least a bit later than I would if it were the academic year. But this is a bad habit to be in because in about a week I am going to have to adjust my schedule to a work schedule which means getting up earlier and definitely getting to bed earlier so I’m not so tired.

Anyway, I felt compelled to reflect a bit on pain and suffering. I guess partially because I’ve had my own pain recently but additionally because I am addicted to hospital shows (House being my favorite right now) and two episodes of Grey’s Anatomy tonight had me thinking. In the episodes (which had the same story line continued through both), one of the doctors is giving birth and her husband gets into a car accident on the way to the hospital. When he arrives at the hospital, it is in an ambulance and he winds up in an OR instead of in the delivery room with his wife. Because she is in labor, the other doctors decide not to tell her anything about her husband until they have something concrete to report. For the record, I didn’t agree with their decision. I thought it was a poor choice and that she should know. Finally, there came a point when her husband had been in surgery for long enough for her to suspect something was wrong and the doctors felt at that point they needed to tell her. I understand that they were trying to keep her from suffering. They were trying to protect her. They like her, perhaps even love her, and want to keep her safe, keep her happy. But her naivete about the situation did not mean it magically went away or that her husband was not in danger of dying. Instead it made her anxious and wonder what had happened to her husband. “Protecting” her only made the situation worse.

We don’t like seeing our friends and family hurting. Plain and simple. We also don’t like to suffer, but more importantly how we react to people who are suffering, people we care for, is often determined by what we like or don’t like. Because we don’t like to suffer and we suffer when we see our friends/family suffering, we often choose to try and prevent them from suffering. Or trying to cheer them up. I’m not saying that cheering somebody up is a bad thing, but sometimes a person really does need to wallow in what is going on. They need to suffer in order for things to get better... if that makes any sense. Grief needs to happen. Otherwise things become very unhealthy and things are much worse later. So perhaps it isn’t best to “protect” our friends and family. I actually believe it isn’t... simply put. Tell them bad news if they have a right to know. What they do with the information is what they do with the information. But also be the friend who is there through it all, through the bad stuff. That’s the important thing. Like Job’s friends when they came and sat with him in the trash heap... but not later when they tried to convince him to blaspheme God... bad move.

I also have thought a bit about this for myself too. I’m sure some of you have read my posts about headaches and the like. Some of you have even tried to “protect” me a bit in various ways. Trust me, I’m doing what I need to do. Bad news, good news... I’m dealing with it. Wishing it away doesn’t work... trust me, I’ve tried. I am at where I am at with all of this. But rest assured that things are actually better than they probably sound here. Yes, I’m still having headaches every day. However, they are like pre-headache headaches that are the slight throbbing one generally feels just before a major headache. They don’t even usually require Advil. There are some times however that I do in fact have to take something for them, but usually not. Also, I haven’t been nauseous since Monday... so I’m hoping that was just a medication/food/something else reaction. By and large, I’m doing better. I’m able to do most things. But the frustrating thing is that it has not completely cleared up. So, to all of you out there, thank you for caring. I really do appreciate it. Ask me how it is going, listen to me lament about it, or rejoice if things are better. Maybe make suggestions for things to do. But don’t try to protect me. I am suffering a bit, but it is suffering I must do. There is suffering we all must do. Not because we want to, but because that is the situation we are in and it is a situation we can’t change. We so often want to make it better, want to change it, but often we can’t. I can’t change (at least at the moment I’m not aware of how) the fact that I’m having headaches, I just am. I’m taking steps to try and figure it out... like seeing the doctor and taking the medication she prescribes. But otherwise it is out of my control.

There are my long, and probably barely coherent if at all, thoughts on pain and suffering. Sorry for the rambling...

Kate

Packing - I'm Not a Fan

I have continued packing in the midst of going out with friends, going to chapel, and lets not forget procrastinating. I’m getting to the point now though that I’m remembering why, in the past, I’ve put packing off until the last minute... at least the two days before I move. I have a small amount of stuff compared to some people (but still a lot let me tell you) so it has worked in the past to wait until two days or the day before a move to pack. For some reason I decided to start packing earlier... give myself more time. Plus, I have some things to do, but by and large I do have a lot of spare time on my hands so why not pack right?

Ok, so now all my books are packed save the few still floating around that I want access to or am actually reading right now (I promise there are only a few). I also boxed up my notebooks and other folders with class notes and handouts. Additionally, I packed my DVDs, tapes, and PS2 games. I then cleaned up my dresser a bit and went through some of my stuff on my table. My problem now is trying to answer, “What to pack next?” Most of the rest of the stuff I will probably need in the next few days. I don’t want to pack it now because I’ll only have to open the box back up again to fish out whatever it is I need. If I wait until 2 days before, then I won’t have that problem... so my conclusion... packing, not a fan.

Also, with regard to the previous post, here’s a link to a clip of the Colbert Report about Heinz Ketchup.

Kate

The Power of the People

I’m a fan of the Colbert Report. It’s a half hour television show on Comedy Central much like the Daily Show (and actually more like a spoof of the O’Reilly Factor that airs on Fox News. There are very, very, very, very few things that Stephen Colbert (pronounced Col-bear), the host of the show, says that can be taken seriously. Everything and I mean everything is meant as a joke. There are a few regular parts of the show such as “The Word” and an interview with a guest that are simply hysterical. The interviews are particularly interesting as many people think it is a platform for a serious conversation. Meanwhile, Colbert interrupts and throws inane (and yet sometimes very appropriate) questions their way.

Anyway, I say all of this because I was impressed with the size of Colbert’s audience last night. There was a portion of his show last night during which he made reference to Heinz’s latest marketing tool, customizing the labels on ketchup bottles. All one has to do is go to www.myheinz.com in order to do so. During the course of the show, my friend Sarah got up to see how much ordering one of the bottles of ketchup would be and couldn’t access the site. Colbert had created such a ruckus about this, all the people going there crashed the site! Heinz ketchup! He also crashed Wikipedia back in July. And Giraldo Rivera believes that the Colbert Report doesn’t have any impact...

In other news, I have actually started packing. It’s a shock, I know... even to me... but I have started. Most of my books, particularly my theological/academic books, are packed. It’s only taken ten boxes to get most of them... and I haven’t even gotten to my notebooks and the other books (like novels, and there are a fair amount of them too) floating around here. I expect that will take at least another three boxes or maybe even more. The notion that I have too many books is beginning to be reinforced by all the boxes and I haven’t even started packing the rest of my stuff.

Medically... still having headaches. Most of the time it feels like the first stages of a headache, the stage right before I need to take medication. Yesterday, however, we moved from the achy, “I can handle this” stage to the full blown, “need Advil” stage. I also (and this won’t be pleasant, so for the weak of heart, skip this sentence... and maybe the one after it) was nauseous and then threw up again on Saturday. Not sure what that was all about. Today, in the middle of packing and moving boxes of books (which I didn’t think it was too excruciating) I felt icky and on the verge of nausea. I had to stop and take a break, eat some food and then start again. I don’t know... and this move in the middle of this is not seemingly pleasant. Not because I need to move, but in terms of health care and all that. I’ve been seeing my doctor here in Columbus... but if this keeps up I either need to come back down here for doctors appointments or find a doctor up there which means going through the history and then maybe getting paperwork faxed up etc... And that’s after I find a good doctor... I’m tired of being sick. For the most part of I’m able to do everything. But I want to go running or ride my bike, but I’m afraid the exertion would bring back the headaches even worse or the nausea. If packing and moving a few boxes (not very far by the way) brings back the nausea, then what would playing basketball do?

Alright, that’s probably way more than any of you ever wanted to know. But there it is. If you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading my ramblings. =)

Kate

Pondering Paul

I’m currently/still reading a book on Paul by N.T. Wright. In this book, Wright argues that Paul’s three-fold social location (Jew, Roman, and Greek) play a huge part in how Paul interprets things. But Wright also takes another step and argues from the perspective of how Judaism plays into Paul’s interpretation. If we should look at Paul’s interpretation through the eyes of Judaism, particularly through the themes of creation and covenant, then we (a) must rethink some of the ways we have already interpreted Paul and (b) consider that some phrases in Paul’s letters may be allusions to stories from the Hebrew Scriptures and therefore carry more meaning than what we previously thought.

All of this has caused me to think more about how we interpret scripture and what that means for our understanding of the Bible. I have to admit there are allusions and echoes of the Hebrew Scriptures in the New Testament. Some are incredibly obvious (like quite a few in Revelation). But there are some that might or might not be there. An incredible number of Biblical Scholars have spent an incredible amount of time and space arguing which possible allusions or echoes are in fact allusions or echoes. They have also spent an incredible amount of time and space setting up a system (or systems) for evaluating if a particular text is an allusion or an echo. But I guess all my thinking leads me to wondering... how are we supposed to know? Even with all of the time and space devoted to understanding what is or isn’t an allusion or echo, can we trust what the scholars have come up with? I know that we will never absolutely know if any of it is an allusion which is also a large cause of tensions between people. We claim to know how things should be interpreted, what God really desires for us. But I also wonder if part of the reconciliation process is to understand that we might be wrong about our interpretation. However, if we cannot fully trust our interpretation, then what can we trust? Or perhaps that is what faith is... believing in something that is not certain or finite. Yup, I think that might be it.

I should also admit here that I do think we should at least consider how much Judaism was a part of Paul and that his understanding of God as the God of creation and covenant would indeed play a large role in how he interpreted the Christ event. I also find the concept and application of allusions from the Hebrew Scriptures to be intriguing and I even wrote my Revelation paper using the concept. I think I like it because it takes something that we have meaning for and adds another level of meaning giving us a fuller picture. Plus, it allows me to work in both of the testaments which is good since I can’t decide which I like better (Old or New).

So there it is for you... some broad ponderings. I’m still reading and considering how this applies to Paul. I’m also still considering how much we should read into a particular text (if you are exegeting, supposedly nothing.... but we also know that we don’t do exegesis in a vacuum). Anyway, still pondering... not sure if any of this makes any sense to anybody except me. So that’s it for now.

Kate

Tired

Ok, so most of you know that I'm usually tired (hence my e-mail address... tiredkate). But I've gotten better about getting more sleep and I have usually been pretty rested this summer. But now I'm tired again and looking forward to a nap this afternoon and sleeping in tomorrow.

I was in New York at Koinonia Lutheran Camp for a wedding over the weekend. It was a good weekend and I thoroughly enjoyed it. My friends John and Andrea got married. They are truly a good couple. The ceremony was outside at the outdoor chapel on the camp grounds. John and Andrea said their vows surrounded by the people they love and lots of trees.

I also preached Sunday morning for worship. It well. I'm always a little Leary when people tell me they liked the sermon. There are some sermons that I feel that comment is applicable. But there are other sermons where I think, "Aren't you a little shook up by that? You liked the sermon? You liked that the text tells you you screwed up? Ok... did you really pay attention to what I just said?" I'm not sure. But when people come up and tell me that it was powerful or it moved them in a particular way or whatever, I think I am more inclined to believe them. It doesn't seem like they are simply trying to be polite.

Speaking of reactions, I also preached today in chapel here at Trinity. I preached almost the same sermon but I cut some stuff out and altered some stuff to make it a bit more right for the seminary community. I found the reactions here interesting, most people here simply said thank you. I rarely hear that out in the congregation. I'm not sure why that is... I have a few theories, but nothing concrete.

Ok, now for the medical update of the day. I am still having headaches every day, some days are worse than others though. Also, by Sunday afternoon, it seems that whatever is/was in my sinuses decided to drain so I now have a runny/stuffy nose in addition to some headaches. It seems to be getting better today, so I'm hoping that we're nearing the end of the drainage. I'm tired of blowing my nose and sleeping with one side of my nose all stuffed up.

I think that's enough for today. More later.

Kate

Off to New York

So tomorrow morning I leave to drive to a Lutheran camp in New York for my friends John and Andrea’s wedding. They are doing a whole weekend at this camp with the wedding ceremony on Saturday afternoon followed by the reception. Then on Sunday morning, they have asked me to preach at worship. Then I’ll leave after worship to drive another ten hours back here.

I’m excited to get out of here and be at camp for the weekend. I am also excited because I’ll get to see some friends I haven’t seen in a while and I’ll be able to spend the whole weekend with them. And, the whole reason for going out there, to see John and Andrea get married. I’m excited for that too.

So, you probably won’t see me for at least a couple of days. But I guess that’s not totally uncommon... I tend to disappear from the blog for days (sometimes weeks) at a time.

Now for the daily medical update. Today is day three on the antibiotics. So far, nothing is getting better, not that I would expect three days to cure me. On top of that, today the headaches were worse than they have been in the past week. They were still better than what I had almost two weeks ago when this all started, but definitely worse than the past week. I’m going to ride out the rest of the antibiotics and go see my doctor next Thursday and hopefully by then the headaches will have completely stopped.

So that’s the story. I preach Sunday and then in chapel on Tuesday... after that all that will probably be left is the one day a week jaunt in the computer lab plus packing to move. I’m not sure where the month of July went let alone the whole summer and the past two years. But I guess that’s how it goes, time just keeps going faster the older you get. =)

Kate

Hmmmm...

So I feel like I should write. I’m feeling somewhat contemplative, but not really sure what to contemplate. I wonder if that makes any sense at all. Oh well.

So it’s still hot here in Ohio. My air conditioner is struggling to keep up... it’s bad. I believe that either tomorrow or the next day will bring some much needed storms which will break the heat wave. But we’ll see.

I’m back to a funky mood. Kind of bored, supposed to be writing sermons and just not able to get myself there. I spent many hours in the lab today attempting to write my sermon for Sunday. My consciousness told me that I need to get it written by tomorrow at the latest. My subconscious said that it was on Wednesday and I wasn’t preaching until Sunday. Bad mix, bad mix. So I got about a page and a half out today... probably three fourths of the way or a third of the way done by now. Hoping for some inspiration tomorrow. Perhaps passion is the right word. I know where I’m going with this sermon, but my passion for writing it just wasn’t there... just feeling kind of complacent. Bad, bad place to be. It’ll get done... it always gets done.

In another medical update, the results from my blood work and MRI came back Monday. The blood work was normal and my brain function on the MRI was normal. However, I apparently have a lot of sinus pressure. So now I’m on antibiotics in an effort to get rid of the headaches (which I’m still having). So, after two days on the antibiotics, still having headaches... hoping that by the time I’m done with the antibiotics (only another 8 days) the problem will be solved and I’ll go back to normal. But for now, I’m still occasionally taking ibuprofen for the pain in my head... which is pain in itself. I follow up with my doctor next Thursday, presumably toward the end of my antibiotics run. We’ll see how I’m doing then.

Otherwise, things are pretty good here. I spent some good time talking to people today and I went out to dinner with a group of friends. I went out for wings with two other friends last night and tomorrow night I’m going out for boneless wings with two friends who are moving to North Dakota on Monday for first call. So good quality time with people, in real relationships... good stuff. =)

Ok, more later. But for now, it is probably bed time.

Kate

Spring in Ohio

I took this picture outside the dorms at Trinity back in April... forgot it was on my camera until just recently. 

And So Now It Is Hot

I was in San Antonio two weeks ago and it was pretty bad - hot, hot, hot. It was anywhere from 95 to 100 degrees plus really humid. It was bad. It also made Albuquerque seem warm and pale in comparison. Then I came back here to Ohio where it has been warm but not too bad... until now.

It has been a little humid here but the temperatures have been in the 80s and not so bad... but now it is really humid here and the temperatures are now in the 90s with the high temp getting up to 97 on Tuesday (or so they say). It is starting to be reminiscent of San Antonio. Oh well, that’s what air conditioning is for I believe. =)

Now that I’ve discussed the weather, here’s the medical update:

I saw my doctor here on Friday. She drew blood and had me go for an MRI Friday evening. The results aren’t in for any of it, so I’m still in the dark as to why my head still hurts.

I’ll let you know more later.

Kate

Interesting Conversations

On Tuesday while I was flying back here to Ohio, I boarded the plane in Albuquerque and it turned out that a very interesting woman was sitting next to me. Now, I must preface this with the understanding that I do in fact have something tatooed across my forehead in invisible ink that says please tell me your life story or what you are having problems with. I know this and some times it is very apparent to me. So this woman sitting next to me is obviously frustrated. She’s later getting on the plane, there is no room for her luggage in the bin over our seats nor the bins immediately around us, she tries shoving the bag under the seat but of course it doesn’t fit... finally a flight attendant comes to her rescue and tells her that she has room for the bag in one of the bins in the back of the plane. The woman yanks and pulls before finally extracting her bag from under the seat and then hands it off to the flight attendant. Almost as soon as she sits down, she tells me that I’ve won the lottery (in reference to her sitting next to me, I’m sure she was being sarcastic) and immediately starts to unload everything which instigated an interesting conversation.

The first thing she did was hold up a huge water bottle two-thirds full of water. She then tells me that the water in the bottle is holy water from a church - and that they radiated it... now it’s ruined she tells me. Ok. She goes on, I hate this airport. “The guy at security told me I could either radiate it or drink it. No other choice. So I sent it through.” She continues, “I’m an energy healer and the radiation ruined the energy in the water. It’s ruined!”

That’s a new way of looking at holy water for me. The entire time she’s telling me this, I’m wondering how I can go back to reading my book. I still have a headache and I’m tired, I’m not feeling particularly... can’t I just be left alone? But I feel the need to respond to the idea that the water is ruined. So after she goes on about how she doesn’t know if I’m a Christian or not (she must not have looked at my “Got Christ?” shirt that I was wearing) but that it is definitely good stuff, I respond. I ask her if she really thinks the water is ruined - duh, didn’t she just say that an hour ago? So then I respond with, “I don’t think the water is ruined. I believe in a God that is more powerful than anything, including x-ray machines.” After I say that, she grabs the bottle and says, “I guess it isn’t ruined, it still has good energy, I can feel it.”

I don’t know... I really wasn’t feeling terribly well and only wanted to either read or close my eyes and rest. Now this lady is telling me everything that has gone wrong and that she is an energy healer. I’m not sure I believe in that sort of thing... and now that I’ve relayed a point of grace about the holy water, she changes her mind, it isn’t ruined anymore, it still has good energy, she can feel it. I want to know that if she can feel it, than why didn’t she feel it before and come to that conclusion on her own?

This is probably not my most shining example of an internal conversation. But it is very human. But so is my desire to question everything. The second I thought how crappy the thought of an energy healer is, I also thought about how crazy the idea of God seems some days of the week. I’m still a little leary about the whole energy healer thing...

I eventually did get back to my book, but not before the woman unloaded some more on me. It was alright though... it also helped remind me that you can spread the gospel and impart a word of grace in any place.

Kate

It's been a very busy time...

I realize it has been close to three weeks since I last posted, so here's a little bit of what I've been doing.

I traveled back to New Mexico at the beginning of the month - on the 7th actually. I was in New Mexico for about four days before leaving to attend the ELCA National Youth Gathering in San Antonio, TX with my home congregation. We were there for about a week and then I spent another week in New Mexico before finally flying back to Ohio last night. During that final week in Albuquerque, I wrote and preached a sermon and a friend from CPE last summer visited. I also managed, somehow, to get a headache that I still sort of have (it is six days running now) but it is mostly gone which is good. I went to the ER on Saturday night and now I have to follow up with a neurologist here in Ohio. So really, the last weekend I was there blew because often I just felt nasty (headache and occasionally nauseous), but it's all right. I'm feeling a lot better now, not quite so icky and the headache is mostly gone. But now I'm at work in the computer lab for an unbearably long time... I forgot how boring this job can be when you have nothing to do! =)

In other news, here's a picture from San Antonio. Erik and I are on a roller coaster, but I guess that there is something out of place in the picture. You tell me...

So that's probably about it for now... I'm sure I'll post more later. More reflection type stuff...

Kate

Travels

I’m currently sitting in Chicago’s O’Hare airport waiting for my flight to Albuquerque. I tend to learn new things when I travel and the recent past is no exception.

I spent some time this past week with my family in Kansas and as I was driving there and then back again, I noticed a few things that amused me. I also noticed a definite international motif to my drive. For example, if I asked where Brazil is, you might answer it is a country in South America. While you would be correct, I would also be correct in identifying it as part of Indiana. Also, Paris is not only in France but also in Illinois. Furthermore, Mexico no longer lies below the Southern border of the United States, it is also in Missouri. I have often noted that, particularly in this part of the country, there seems to be a lack of creativity for city/town names. There must be a dozen (or more) Springfields throughout the country with one in many of the states in this region. There is a Lancaster, OH and a Lancaster, PA (they are pronounced differently though...). I have been told, but have not checked, that there are really two Bainbridge, Ohios. I have to wonder if the people who settled those towns thought to themselves, What is my favorite place in the world? Where would I like to live? Ooooh, maybe Mexico, or Paris, or Lancaster... I’ll name this new town where I would like to live. Or perhaps it just happened by coincidence, I don’t know (but somehow I doubt it).

So, for now, I’m off to the only city in the country (that I know of) named Albuquerque. The city was named after the Duke of Alburquerque (note the extra r after the first u)... so maybe the other cities were named after people with the same unoriginal name. Who knows. I could probably figure out some of these things if I really wanted to, but at this point I’m not sure it’s worth the extra effort. I think at the moment I’m content to live in the mystery and the random musings of my brain. =)

Kate

Made

I was made to be immersed in the Word.

The first week or two of this past month was good. For a while I enjoyed not having much to do. I enjoyed breathing again, getting more sleep, and catching up with friends I did not have much time to talk to during the course of the school year. I enjoyed doing what I was not able to do while I was in school, relaxing. But after a week or two, I was done with it and ready to move on, but I was in denial about that. Since the school year ended just before Memorial Day, I've read three 500-page novels and Giving to God (another Mark Powell Book). I've also watched two full seasons of 24 (24 one-hour episodes each) which catches me up to the end of the current season. I have also managed to watch most of the first season of House again (about 16 hour long episodes) in addition to several movies. Even with all this fun stuff I was doing, I felt kind of lost. I was bored some of the time and no softball game, novel, movie, or TV episode was going to cure it either. I felt like I had not purpose and could not wait for July when I would have something to do again.

I realized some time in the past week that part of the problem was that I was made to be immersed in the Word. Because God stuff is what I do all the time (or so it would seem), I felt like I needed a break from it. Even though I continued to go to worship, I wasn't taking the time I needed to do devotions or flat out read the Bible. I wasn't thinking theologically at all. I wasn't questioning things like I normally do. I was stalled out in the emptiness of the fun stuff thinking that I needed more of a break and fighting to return to that for which I was made. But I realized that I needed to spend more time with the Word. I needed to return to that for which I was made. I needed to spend more time with God. I was missing it and realized it. It's helped so far. I feel like I have refound my purpose. Look for more from me in the realm of theology and questions as I expect to be thinking through a lot more in the immediate future. =)

Kate

Good Stuff

I had a wide open weekend this past weekend... the first one in a long time. It was kind of nice, but in some respects also more of what I’ve been trying to avoid all summer thus far. Because I’m only working a few hours each week, I have had lots of time to myself which has led to boredom at times (but not always). So with a wide open weekend, I wasn’t sure what to do with myself and it seemed like shades of boring times for me. Plus, it was more of the same stuff I have been doing during the week. Normally a weekend is a nice break, but I think I’ve been having a nice long break for the past month. But the weekend turned out well.

After sleeping in on Saturday, one of my friends called and asked if I wanted to go golfing. I played a nice round of golf from about 2 to 5:30 or so. It could have been a tad bit cooler, but it was sunny and really beautiful weather. The first couple of holes were not great for me. But after the fourth hole, I found my swing and played the rest of the round well. It was a good time. I have to say golf is truly wonderful, especially when the weather is beautiful as well. You get to be outside on grass and in the sun and take the time to enjoy it all because golfing is so relaxed. It can be a frustrating game if you’re really competitive (I sometimes fall subject to this), but as long as you step back and enjoy the surroundings, it makes it all better.

By the time I got back from golfing I ate dinner, showered, and relaxed a bit before going to bed. Sunday was the first Sunday in a long time I have not had a church commitment. The Sunday before, Fathers Day, was my last Sunday at my MIC site, so this one was free. I was intially going to go to church down the street at Christ. But as my alarm was going off, I kept hitting snooze and just couldn’t get myself out of bed. So at some point, I just decided to enjoy one of my few Sundays off from church. I kind of missed church, but it was probably good for me not to go and just take a break. Plus, we’re doing chapel at Trinity this summer so I have the ability (and have been taking advantage of this) to go to church five days a week. Today I even led worship at Trinity. So it’s not like I’m really lacking in the God-worshiping area. Plenty more opportunities to worship on a Sunday morning anyway. =)

The rest of Sunday was spent running errands and playing softball. I went to Wal-Mart for something I haven’t found at Target but have been able to get at Wal-Mart. I was reminded why I almost never go there anymore. Packed at 1:30 on a Sunday afternoon. I was also struck by how much I haven’t realized what happens on a Sunday outside of church. My typical Sunday looked like an unbelievably early morning followed by many hours of church. Then lunch, followed by a nap after my return home. Following my nap, I would get up and do homework during the school year and then since May it’s been softball. But in driving around Sunday afternoon, I realized that a lot of people treat Sunday as their Saturday. They are so busy going to soccer, little league, ballet, etc... on Saturday that they skip church, sleep-in on Sunday, and then run errands in the afternoon. Or, they go out and do things. The roads were packed in the afternoon whereas in the mornings on Sundays they are clear but I miss all the afternoon traffic because I’m curled up in my bed dreaming away or at my desk studying. It’s like another world out there!

Alright, enough rambling about the weekend. I’m sure I’ll post more later. Until then.

Kate

America's Got Talent?

Last night I was flipping channels and wound up watching a half hour of a show that I'm not sure why I was watching it. The show is on the Bravo network and is called America's Got Talent. It's kind of a knock off of American Idol, but not really (if that makes sense). There are three judges, some British guy I have no idea who he is (read Simon Cowell wannabe), Brandy (read Paula Abdul), and David Hasselhoff (yes, I said David Hasselhoff). There is also a host... that would be Regis Philbin. The part of the show I caught last night was the audition phase. Every fifteen minutes or so Regis calls up new people from the audience to do their act. Now, this is not strictly singing like American Idol, so the acts range in everything from singing to gymnastics, to shadow dancing with a pony. There's some really good stuff and some really wacky stuff (i.e. shadow dancing with a pony). Each of the three judges have a buzzer with an X and during the course of each act, they can hit their buzzer to show their displeasure. The act is done when all three have buzzed the person out or when the person/people are done. If they don't get buzzed, the three judges then vote whether or not to let the act advance to the next round. So "American Idolesque" but not quite.

I have to admit that I'm not quite sure why I kept watching it. Part of it was, I suppose, that nothing else even remotely interested me. I think another part was I wanted to see what wild crazy act was going come next. There was one guy who was a retired nuclear engineer who claimed he was the oldest male stripper... they let him go and David Hasselhoff didn't buzz in just so he would see how far the guy would go. I've never actually seen American Idol and am not even really interested in that show or the format which is another reason why I wondered why I kept watching. I also kept thinking about the sad state of American television and society that such shows find popularity. They have David Hasselhoff judging talent for crying out loud. =) There is also the problem of how badly people want to be famous. Some of these acts were simply not entertaining and many were outright embarrassing. But people were more than willing to get up there and make fools of themselves thinking that they were going to be the next big thing. Some were even angry when they were voted off for a lack of talent (which was usually painfully obvious). Some people were talented, but not in a way that would be suitable for the show (like a harpist - she was good, but not what the show is looking for). How badly do we want people to know who we are? To be set apart from everybody else as somebody special? What if I said that we are already set apart? That's part of our baptism. We are called, we are set apart, and in a way that is way more meaningful than being famous among people. But I guess being famous can be way more gratifying now and is more appealing.

Oh well... I have a feeling I won't be watching that show anymore... not unless there is nothing else on and I decide I want to watch some really crappy TV. =)

Kate

Randomness and Birthdays

Today I was working on putting a bunch of address labels on flyers to be mailed. It’s not a bad job really. I sat on my bed and put mailing labels on the flyers while watching 24... something to do with my hands while watching 24, I’m all for it. Anyway, in the course of all this I put a label on a flyer with the address for World Harvest Church. I thought it was funny that they are on our mailing list. There is no way they want to come to a preaching text study here at Trinity! I think they are a bunch of heretics and they probably think we are too. Yet we still send them stuff... that’s probably a wasted 39 cents... but maybe not. =)

On another note, today was also my birthday. After dinner, Joel and I (Jenn was going to come, but opted for homework/sleep instead) went to Magic Mountain and played mini-golf (he won by one stroke), drove go-karts (he beat me again, but I contend he had a faster kart =) ), and then hit a few rounds in the batting cages. We then went over to Old Bag of Nails and had a beer and some fried pickles (yum... fried pickles). It was great fun... it’s been ages since I played mini-golf and I always enjoy driving go-karts. It was good. Plus, my friends Jonathan and Laura gave birth to their son Evan (well really, Laura did) this morning so I now share my birthday with my friends’ son. I think that’s kind of fun. =)

No big theological ponderings tonight. Maybe more later...

Kate

Lacking...

One of my friends pointed out something to me tonight that I was already aware of... that I simply do not post as much as I used to. There is a complete lack of posting going on, and now it seems that I have the time to do it yet somehow, it just doesn't happen. In many ways, I often think I would like to post something, but can't seem to find a topic to post on. I'm not exactly sure if I'm becoming less contemplative or if things that strike me somehow get lost in the midst of the day and don't make it to the computer at the end of the day. I keep complaining about how bored I'm becoming... there are hours that I work, but I am finding that I have a lot of free time on my hands and I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. There are lots of things that I want to read, but I'm also finding it to be a challenge to sit down with a theological book right now. I think I'm in a rebel phase - kind of like, "Theology is what I do all the time... so now that I have a break I don't want to turn it into a theology thing..." But then I think about the fact that I want to read these books and don't have the time to do so when I am "doing the theology thing." I don't know... kind of bored and not really sure what to do with myself. Perhaps I will start reading theology stuff and writing more here... that'd give me something to do. That is if all you people out there want to read about theology stuff that I'm reading... =)

How's that for a stream of consciousness? A lot to take in I suppose... maybe not. But it is certainly all for now.

Kate

Weekend

I hope that this will be a few short reflections; but somehow, I doubt it will actually turn out that way.

I returned today from a weekend up in Chagrin Falls at my internship site. I got to spend some quality time with my supervisor and his family plus the current intern as well as the congregation. I went up on Saturday and hung out a bit. Sunday morning, I worshiped with the congregation and was introduced. Then that afternoon, Dave, the current intern, and I went to lunch. Following lunch, I somehow got roped into helping set up for the congregation picnic which I went to last night. That was pretty cool. One of the Remax hot air balloons was at the picnic (two people in the congregation, a married couple, are remax realtors) and they gave tethered rides. You know, I grew up around balloons and have been to the Albuquerque Balloon Fiesta I don’t know how many times and it takes me moving to Ohio and going to a church picnic to actually go up in one!

This weekend made me a bit more excited about internship. There was one thing that was sort of interesting for me though. My supervisor, Rob, always introduces me as Pastor Kate. He’s also quick to say that I’ll be the next intern, that I’m Intern Pastor Kate, but I’m Pastor Kate to a lot of people, particularly his kids. Hearing the title in front of my name is sort of odd. It isn’t odd in a bad way, but just odd. I think I was way more comfortable with Chaplain Kate for the past year. But there is something about being Pastor Kate that makes me pause for a second and realize that I am taking the next step and will be part of the pastoral team. It’s not bad, just different I suppose.

More reflections later... but for now I’m thinking bed is a good thing.

Kate

Dang it!

I’m really beginning to hate being good at and liking many things. Sure, it gives me options and opportunities - but it just seems to be complicating my life.

Maybe some more information might be helpful. I’ve really been struggling for the past eight months or so to discern what I am called to do. I wrote a nice long post a while back about the possibility of going to grad school and getting a PhD. People told me that last year, that I should think about going on in school, but I dismissed them. It was easy to dismiss them. This year has been different, however. Every time I turn around, somebody is suggesting that I should go on. And the thing is... I want to. I love school. I love studying. And, as much as it sometimes stinks, I really like writing papers. I’m sick, I know it, but I like it. I’ve had conversation after conversation with my advisor, Wally Taylor. He and I just sat down again yesterday to talk about whether I should stay here another year or two and get an STM or just go on, or neither of the two. I’m not any closer to a decision today than I was yesterday before we met, but at least I gained some new information which was good.

But here’s the catch, there are two other things that have my heart too. Parish ministry is a big one, the one that brought me to seminary in the first place. That’s where I thought I was heading for sure when I started here. I still like it and I’m sure I’ll eat up internship. But then last summer, I gained a new love. I found that I really like hospital chaplaincy. CPE taught me a lot and there is just something about the craziness of the hospital plus the reality check it gives me every time I go in that draws me in. I love it. In fact, I’ve continued to do on call work for the hospital this past academic year and I used to get paged into the hospital every single time I was on. Additionally, I got some weird, weird situations. It was definitely difficult stuff, but I liked it. But I have managed to have a reversal of luck and have not been paged in since early April. I’ve been on plenty of times (eight nights in the last three weeks alone) and have not been paged in. And you know what? I miss it. Last night was my final night on call before the new CPE students for the summer took over and I was hoping I would get paged in, but no such luck. I even got two pages, direct pages even, and did not have to go in. I love hospital chaplaincy and I miss it...

What brought all of this up, though, was a trip into the hospital today to turn in my pager, key, and badge. Last summer one of the units I was assigned to was MICU (the Medical Intensive Care Unit). So today, when I went in, I talked with the chaplain whose unit that normally is. She told me that the people up there still talk about me and how wonderful it was to have me up there. Apparently I did some good work up there. She also said, “I don’t know if you’ve thought about it... but I would really like for you to consider doing this some day. Or, at least doing a residency. You’d be very good at it. I’ve heard nothing but good things.” That’s almost the exact same conversation I’ve had with professors here except no talk about residency and the “this” refers to grad school or teaching and not chaplaincy. I actually started tearing up in the office when she told me that. Really it was the part when she said that they missed me and they still talk about me in MICU. I miss them too. There’s also something about it, about the intensity of the experience, that takes me back there and I remember with fondness what happened there last summer. I don’t know exactly either why I start crying when I think about it - I am right now even.

But even in addition to knowing that I had done a good job and the fond memories, part of me internally screamed, “NO!!! Don’t tell me that!” Don’t affirm me, don’t tell me that I’m actually good at something I love. Don’t tell me that because it is another thing I’m good at and I love. I’m good at scholarly stuff and I love it. I’ve been told I’m good in the parish too and I love that. Don’t tell me because that just further complicates my life. Why can’t I be good at one thing? Why can’t I love only one thing? Then I would know what I am called to do. If I were only good at parish ministry, that’d be great. Let me graduate with my M. Div. and let me get out there into a parish... but no other considerations complicate my life... no decision to make. But at the moment I’ve got some serious decisions to make, particularly because time is flying by and I will probably have to hit the ground running my senior year with at least some decision made. That’s especially true if I decide to go directly into grad school for my PhD. Most applications are due by December or January. And if I want to do a year long residency, that stuff probably needs to be in around January for interviews later. And if I want to do an STM here for another year or two, that application needs to be in. Otherwise I could do nothing and just be going out into the parish, which wouldn’t be a bad thing, it’s just that I don’t know if that ‘s where I’m supposed to be. That’s my problem - where am I supposed to be? If I go to the parish, will I regret not going to grad school? Or if I go to grad school, will I regret not doing a residency. I’m kind of afraid of making the “wrong” decision which means that I waste time and money. I just don’t know.

I’m hoping that internship helps clear some of this up. But I don’t know about that... it might only add fuel to the fire further complicating my life. It might be the next affirmation that leads to another internal scream. I don’t want to yell “NO!” anymore, I’m tired of doing that. I want a dang answer. I want passion for one thing and one thing only. I want a decision. In the meantime I will be living in the tension as every good Lutheran does.

(Now that I’ve written a novel... more later)

Kate

666

Happy Mark of the Beast Day!!! =)

How many people out there can tell me where that comes from? And why 666 is such a famous number? I’m hoping that many people can... so let me know. Post a comment.

It’s kind of fun that we have such fun dates right now. I will say that 6 is not quite 7 (obvious I know) and 7 is the number of perfection. Thus, 6 is not perfect, in fact it is almost the opposite - it tries to be perfect but isn’t. Thus, 666 is really, really imperfect. Next year, July 7 will be the day of perfection I suppose (07/07/07). =) Last year we had Cinqo de Mayo on 05/05/05. That was kind of fun. But do I really put any meaning in all of this? Not really. Today has actually been a pretty good day. No beast working in my life today I guess. =)

Enough fun with numbers I suppose. I kind of want to do some theological pondering, but I’ve got nothing at the moment. More later I guess - maybe tomorrow night. =)

Kate

Limbo

I’m kind of in emotional limbo right now. Graduation was Saturday and now most of my friends who are seniors have left or are about to leave. Today, Jen packed up the rest of her stuff and left to go home (Illinois) for the summer before she moves to Portland for internship. As she and I hugged and said goodbye, I think I was just in shock or something. I don’t know that it has really hit me that we won’t see each other very much for the next year and a half. I don’t think it has sunk in.

Two weeks ago, at our internship sending service, I was very emotional. I think part of it was because I realized how quickly the past two years have gone and how fast the next two will go. I think I then put myself at graduation and that we were all leaving, not for a year, but for good. I am fairly good friends with many of the seniors and extremely good friends with many people in my class. It is hard to leave.

But now I’m just emotionally not present, or in limbo maybe. Now that many people have left and there aren’t very many of us left here, I’m adjusting. But, I think the reality of internship, the reality that I won’t be with any of my friends next year, has set in. Internship is becoming a reality in the sense that I was just up there and at least now I have a picture of what it is going to look like (at least a little bit). But in terms of leaving here, leaving Trinity, I just don’t think I’m there and I don’t think I’m ready to be there either. Right now it just seems like the past two summers... people not here, but they will come back and we’ll start classes again. But that’s only half true. People will come back, but I won’t start classes with them for another year! I’m in limbo, emotional limbo.

Emotional limbo stinks! On one hand, I’m excited about internship, on the other I know the reality hasn’t really sunk in yet. Hopefully I’ll come out of limbo soon... but I know it will eventually happen. =)

Kate

Internship and Other Stuff

It has been over a week since classes ended and almost a week since I finished my last paper. Life is good. I’ve spent a considerable amount of time doing nothing which has been very nice. Wednesday I even sat outside from about three in the afternoon until about nine or ten that night. I read in the sun, we grilled and ate outside, we sat around and talked. It’s good. I’ve enjoyed this time recovering from the stress of the end of the term by doing a whole lot of nothing.

I’m still working a bit - some time in the computer lab and one week I will also be spending some time at the front desk answering phones. The computer lab is a little dull now that I don’t have homework to do... but I think that’s what books and movies are for.

Thursday I went up to my internship site for my friend Lorin’s wedding. He was there last year as an intern. I thought it would be neat to go up there and check it out - kind of fly under the radar. That didn’t happen. I was introduced to a few people before the ceremony and then, thankfully, I was able to worship in peace. But about half an hour into the reception, one of the people I was introduced to before the ceremony came over, apologized for the interruption, and introduced me to two more people. That seemed to start a flow of people that either figured out that I was the next intern, I was pointed out to from across the room, or I was introduced to by several people. I was led around the room and introduced to more people... I took pictures with people. It was crazy.

Some reflections on the site - I think it will be a good place and I’m really looking forward to it. I got to hang out a bit with my supervisor which was good. I stayed the night with him and his family which meant we got to talk a bit the next morning before I left to come back here. I think I lucked out - he seems like a great supervisor which is what I thought when he was down here for the meet and greet back in February. In the meantime, I’m going back up next weekend for an official visit. I’ll get to see the house I’ll be living in and worship with the congregation on Sunday morning. I might even hang around for the church picnic Sunday evening, I haven’t decided. I will reflect more later I’m sure. =)

As for the rest of the summer - I’m looking forward to spending time reading what I want to read and doing nothing. I’m looking forward to playing some softball. I’m looking forward to this summer. I think there will be times I will get bored, there already have been. But I think it will be good for me.

And now I’m rambling... so I’ll stop here.

Kate

Memorial Day

Ahhhhh Memorial Day. Not only is it warm and sunny and classes are done, but I know it is Memorial Day because all of a sudden more crazy stuff happens around here. Columbus seems to be full of weird stuff, but things are especially off this weekend.

Drivers have gotten worse this weekend. I have seen more right turns from the middle lane, occupying more than one lane, going super, super slow, and stopping in the middle of nowhere in the last two days than I have in the past year combined. It is utterly amazing. And of course, sadly, the number of car accidents has also increased exponentially, particularly the fatal ones. I don’t know if alcohol is blame or what, but man has it gotten bad.

Secondly, there was an interesting incident at the Kroger less than a tenth of a mile from where I live. I came back from somewhere yesterday and as I was about to turn onto Main Street, I noticed that there was crime scene tape around half of the parking lot and in the middle was a van with the doors wide open. I also noticed a lot of cops. Apparently, there was a shoplifting (some have said two 12 packs of beer) and the shoplifter got into a confrontation with a Columbus police officer. Then, somehow, they went out to the van and there was another confrontation and the police officer shot the guy. He wasn’t wounded too bad (I guess) because he was released from the hospital last night into police custody. There is usually a police officer at Kroger at night, but I wonder if they put one there because it was the weekend. Either way, it was super busy over there yesterday and today. Then today I was driving past Kroger and an ambulance was pulling into the parking lot with its lights on. I don’t know, but there was certainly some crazy stuff going on there.

Otherwise things here are good. Classes have ended but I still have one more paper I’m finishing up. I’m hoping to get it done either tomorrow and if not then Tuesday. It won’t be terribly difficult, but the end of the term was super hectic and it just didn’t get done. Thankfully my professor is really flexible about due dates and as long as I get it to him sometime by the end of this week, I’m good. In many ways I’m happy that classes are done, I’m ready for a break. But I’m also sad. Many people have left already and I realize that the likelihood of seeing some of these people is not great. Even those I will see some times during internship and those I’ll see when I come back I’m going to miss. I think internship has really become real in the last week. I just don’t know how we got here. I think most of my sadness comes from the realization that the past two years have flown by which means the next two will be gone before I know it. I’m mourning being apart from my friends here... but not just for a year, but after we all leave after our senior year. I’m mourning the future... =)

That’s where I’m at... I’m pretty much just hanging around here for the summer. I’m working a bit around here, but will basically have a lot of time to myself. I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself and will probably be bored in about two weeks. But I’m enjoying it for now. I’m going up to my internship site on Thursday for one of my friends’ wedding. He was the intern there last year and that’s where his wedding is. I’m then going to visit ‘officially’ the second weekend in June - so that should be good.

I’ll be sure to keep all of you updated throughout the summer. I expect to be writing a bit more now that classes are over and things are less stressful. =)

Kate

What does it mean for Jesus to be human?

What does it mean for Jesus to be human? This is the big question that the Da Vinci Code is posing to many people, particularly those who are Christian. Does it mean that Jesus was intimate? Was he married? Was he married to Mary Magdalene?

These are all very valid questions - but I’m not sure that they are reason to boycott the Da Vinci Code movie. I’ve read many news stories lately about the Roman Catholic Church asking their members to boycott the movie. It strikes me that maybe the Church isn’t doing a good enough job educating our members. If we are worried that a movie (some would even say a Tom Hanks movie) is going to shake our faith - we need to look at what we have (or have not) been teaching our membership. Have we been educating them about what the Da Vinci Code claims? Have we paid any attention to this at all? What about the book? It’s been out for several years now and been at the top of the best seller lists since it came out. Why the sudden concern? Where was the Catholic Church when the book came out? Maybe I just missed it, but if I didn’t, why didn’t they ask people not to buy the book?

It’s fiction! I think that’s the key - and that’s what the Roman Catholic Church is missing. They feel threatened by a movie. I, personally, think that Jesus is bigger and more powerful than a movie (or a book). I think the Church has survived many other controversies that were far worse than a movie and I’m going to guess that it’s because of God. If it were solely up to us, the Church probably would have died a long, long time ago.

So my advice, go see the movie. But then talk about it with your pastor. I’m available to talk about it too - if you want to post a comment or something, I will get back to you. Besides, I’m of the opinion that we need to be able to question our faith. If we can’t and don’t, there is no way we can or will ever grow in our faith. And, without growth, it is easier to stall out and much easier to have our faith shattered in a crisis. We need to be able to question. =)

In other news - I have learned that if you stick forks in people’s yards, they will give you an award for leadership. I recently received the Edward and Leona Peters Award from Trinity. This award is for students who excel in leadership on and off campus, and maturity in dealing with people and problems. This award is given by the faculty - some of whom have been “forked” by me and some of my classmates. Actually, it was quite funny when the award was given - President Ramseth was presenting them. After he read what the qualifications for the award were, he said, “No commentary... and the first award goes to Kate Murray.” What’s so funny about that is he has been the one most frequently forked. So there must be something about this seemingly backward system - play practical jokes on the faculty and administration and they give you an award for leadership... I’m not sure, honestly, what else I have done to deserve this award. Maybe I’ve just been myself. =)

So that’s the news. One more week of school - only one and a half papers left and then I’m done. In some ways, I’m very ready for Summer Break. In other ways, I’m sad because many of my friends are leaving and I won’t see them for another year or so. I think I’m just in denial at the moment - but starting to come to reality. We’ll see what happens.

Kate

Some Reflections

Some reflections from the past two days...

First, I have gotten close to nothing that I wanted to get done accomplished in the past two days. Really, I should say I got a few things done but yesterday was supposed to be a big work day for me and some how slipped away from me. Oh well...

Yesterday evening I made three different trips to the airport to pick up the bishops. Well, really one is the presiding bishop (Mark Hanson) and the others are not bishops anymore, but are the previous presiding bishops (Herb Chilstrom and H. George Anderson). All three are awesome guys and are very easy going. All three arrived without too much difficulty and I safely deposited them where they needed to be for the evening.

For those of you who missed my earlier post or simply forgot, the bishops were here for the Hein Fry Lectures. They spent all of today talking about the church and being the church in the 21st century. Let me say, it was awesome! We started the morning with Eucharist and Bishop Hanson presided and preached. He is such an amazing preacher. Plus, the worship was good too... but I almost always enjoy worship here.

We then spent the rest of the day with each of the three lecturing. Some of the insights were great and I valued being able to hear each of them talk about their visions of the church and what prevents us from being there (or what helps us along too). But I think what was really cool for me today was in the midst of discussing even the harsh realities (Anderson talked a lot about conflict in the church), I some how got more and more excited to be in a parish. I got increasingly excited for internship. I think I’ve been stuck in this academic mode so much (and don’t get me wrong, I love it) that I have been focusing on how much or how little I know (more often the latter of the two). I guess the more I learn, the more I come to find how much I simply do not know. Thus, for a little while now, I’ve been walking around with this sinking feeling of can I do it? Yes, I’m excited about internship, but can I really hack it? Do I have what it takes? I keep getting all this positive affirmation from people around here, but in many ways I feel like I’ve fooled everyone here. I’m not really as good as they say I am. I’ve been walking around with these doubts for a while now and they will probably return. But today, for some reason, helped me to say, yeah, I can do that. And, even if I can’t, I’m willing to at least go out there and try it. I’m willing to listen to the needs of others, I’m willing to serve, and I’m willing to empower others to serve. I may not know it all (and never will), but I don’t need to. I don’t know what it was, but today was empowering for me.

After the lectures were over, I then took all three bishops to the airport in one fell swoop. Let me tell you, those three are great apart and they’re even better together. They are very funny and very down to earth. Sorry Kevin, I did not have a chance to ask your questions. Something tells me they wouldn’t have an answer for you anyway. =)

So that’s been my day... well, I did try to get some work done, but I was just fried. It’s been a very long day and with that said, I do believe it is bed time (at 10:45 amazingly enough!!). I’m sure I’ll write more about other stuff later... but maybe not until the term is over (give me another 2 weeks). =)

Kate

Bad...

Is it bad when I start procrastinating by translating Greek for class that isn't due for several days just so I don't have to start major reading for my papers?

So much...

I realize it has been a long, long time since I have last updated this. In many ways right now I feel like I am running just to catch myself. I’m trying to take care of myself, to relax a bit, but there is so much to do. I feel like every minute of my day is planned out from the moment I wake up in the morning to the time I lay my head down on the pillow at night (and on most days it’s most certainly true). Today for example, I went to class at 8:30 then immediately to chapel and then I had a meeting immediately following that. After my meeting, I went and grabbed lunch which I brought back for a lunch meeting. I then went to liturgical choir and then spent all afternoon (until 5) in class again. Then, I got some dinner and spent another two and a half hours in the library. It’s just craziness. When I’m not in class, chapel, or a meeting, I’m probably in the library reading or studying. I’ve got so much to do in the next two weeks, it’s not even funny. The term is over in three... I just don’t know how we got here!

So, the long and the short of it right now is that if you don’t see me writing for a while (like... hmmmm... three weeks), I most likely have been consumed by many books and papers. Particularly those written on Romans and Revelation. =)

In other news, next week is the Hein Fry lectures here at Trinity. This year, the current presiding bishop, Mark Hanson, and the two former presiding bishops of the ELCA, H. George Anderson and Herbert Chilstrom, will be here. Guess who gets to be the taxi driver for these three men? =) Yup, yours truly. So if any of you have any questions for the presiding bishops, let me know (I don’t guarantee that I’ll ask them though).

I think that’s all I’ve got at the moment. We have an internship briefing all day tomorrow, so I’m going to start heading toward bed now.

Kate

Randomness

It’s been almost a week I believe... or maybe even over a week since I last updated. So, here are some random thoughts from the past week.

It appears that my yellow, New Mexico license plate has attracted more attention lately than I have been aware of before now. Last week, one of the people I ate Easter dinner with made a comment about it - it was a good thing though. He thought our license plates were nicer looking than the boring Ohio plates (even for a bright yellow plate). Then yesterday I was at Target and as I was walking out to my car, I saw a guy standing behind my car looking at my plate. He left and walked to his car, one car over, before I got to mine. Then after I got into mine, he stared at me from his car through the windows of the car that was between our cars. It was kind of weird. What, you’ve never seen anybody from New Mexico before? Think I’ll look different from anybody else? Or do you think that I’m not American or something... that I need a passport to be here? Whatever...

On another, completely unrelated, note, I preached again at Grace today. It went well. Late service was better than early... but I think that’s almost always true. Part of the reason is because I am more awake after early service. This morning I sat down after I was done preaching and thought to myself, what just happened? Even in Sunday School I was zoning out. I need to get more sleep.

I have not had a whole lot of sleep in the last two nights. Part of the problem has been that they have not turned the air conditioning on in the dorms and it has been really warm. So, last night, it started raining in my windows and I had to close them which made my room that much warmer. Thus, it took me at least an hour and a half to fall asleep. I think I’ve had only nine hours of sleep the past two nights with another two and a half in naps yesterday and today. Anyway, the basic issue is that I have had two very early mornings after two really late nights. I’m hoping that tonight will be full of sleep soon and last until at least 7:30 tomorrow morning. That would be very nice...

Ok, I’ll have to write more later... probably more about why I have had two early mornings. But I’m a little tired at the moment, so I’m going to say good night.

Kate (a.k.a. Kata)

Hot?

I have found a Mexican restaurant in Columbus worth my time and money. It’s amazing, I know. But the key perhaps is that this restaurant actually refers to itself as serving New Mexican cuisine. I received the recommendation from one of my professors and his wife. Apparently it is the best they’ve had in Columbus and now I that I’ve finally gotten around to trying it, I agree.

Although, while I was eating, I recalled the differences between Ohio and New Mexico. I ordered blue corn chicken enchiladas with their chile verde sauce. This was supposed to be their hot sauce... let me say that it might, I repeat might, cut it as a medium heat in New Mexico. While I thought the food was good, I wanted to tell them they needed to step up the heat until I remembered where I was. It was kind of deceiving because the interior of the restaurant makes me feel like I’m in New Mexico. They definitely got that part right.

Anyway... I thought I would share my find. But really, I guess I can’t share it over the internet. Maybe I’ll just share my bliss in finding such a restaurant here... something I’ve been craving and seem to only satisfy every time I head back west (which really isn’t all that often).

With all that said... I need to head to bed. It will be an early morning and a long day tomorrow. =)

Kate

I want somber

It's Good Friday... and I want somber.

Tonight I went out to Thornville for a joint service with many of the Christian churches in Thornville. The service was held at South Shores Ministry which is a non-denominational Christian church which meant that the service wasn't really liturgical. I also feel like it wasn't somber enough, nor was there enough focus on the cross. Really, I suppose that last statement is kind of an interesting one because the word cross was used I don't know how many times so one would think there was plenty of focus on the cross - but I guess there wasn't enough emphasis on the nature of the cross. I feel sort of like it was light hearted (sort of) and focused past the cross to the resurrection. There were several times during the service that I wanted to stand up and say, "We haven't gotten to Easter yet." It is weird becausee it wasn't overt. It wasn't like we said, "He is risen, he is risen indeed." That didn't happen. Yet, we didn't focus on the death and the decay of the cross.

I think this is a problem for me because the cross is central to understanding our flaws and emphasizing our need for God. Yet, we don't focus enough on it. It is the ugly part of our faith. Even the crosses we wear around our necks tend to be pretty. We need to focus on the nails, the pain, the suffering... without focusing on the resurrection. That will come two days from now. But for now, I think we need to have at least one day when we focus entirely on the cross. I want it to be somber. I want to feel the sting, the pain of death. I want to know what it is I am saved from and I don't think I got it tonight.

Maybe I am selfish, but I want others to feel this with me. I want others to know why God died on the cross. I want others to feel the same sting and then to feel the same relief on Easter. Maybe it isn't really selfish... maybe it is simply part of my calling to be a pastor.

Anyway, I want somber...

Kate

Can you tell them apart?

Can you tell me which one is Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and which one is Trinity Lutheran Seminary faculty member Jim Childs?

They look an awful lot alike...

The Next Year of My Life...

Today was the day... I found out where I will be spending the next year of my life. And the verdict is.... Lord of Life Lutheran Church in Chagrin Falls, Ohio.

I have to admit that I’m excited about this place. I really liked the supervisor when he and I talked back in Februrary (when many of the other supervisors were here at Trinity) and the congregation sounds good too. Plus, I get to live in a four bedroom, yes, I said four bedroom, house next year. I have no idea what I am going to do with all that space!

Regardless, I look forward to next year and I’m sure I will keep you all updated as I find out more about where I am going.

Other than that, things are well. Classes are moving along... it is Holy Week... things are busy. Yup, busy. But pretty normal I think. With that, I think I’m done for the evening.

More later.

Kate

Meds and Glory

Ok, so maybe that title is an interesting combination of words... but it is what I intend to write about tonight.

The story from the health center today is exactly what I thought might be the issue. They believe that I had a bacterial infection and just never quite got rid of it. Thus, I am not on amoxicillin for the next ten days. I will let you know after ten days if the meds have done their job.

Now for some theology. One of my classes this term is Lutheran Identity. The class focuses on the Lutheran confessions which means we learn a lot about Lutheran theology. A lot of it isn’t exactly new to me, at least in concept. But some of the details are new and very interesting.

Tonight, I was doing some reading for the class. Right now we’re reading a book about being a theologian of the cross which is what every Christian is to be according to Luther (and I agree with him). It is a somewhat difficult concept to explain and perhaps I will attempt to write an entry about it at some point, but now is not the time. One idea from the reading did strike me and I think I can address that here without having to fully explain what it means to be a theologian of the cross.

The basic idea this all stems from is that we need to realize we cannot possibly do it ourselves. There is nothing, and I mean nothing, we can do to get salvation for ourselves. We also have no “active capacity to humble [ourselves] but only a passive capacity” (On Being a Theologian of the Cross, p. 62). We cannot even humble ourselves, we must be humbled. When I read this, I thought first about the Sermon on the Mount and the Beatitudes... “Blessed are the meek.” It isn’t that the meek are just meek, it is also that they have been made meek. They understand that they cannot possibly do it themselves. They have no pretentions that they are able to “work” their way into heaven. My second thought is that this is the major problem facing most people in our congregations. Our churches are made up of people who are predominantly middle to upper middle class. These are people who have worked hard to get what they have. These are people (myself included) that think they can fix things... we must be made humble.

I then think back to the sermon I preached at my home congregation back in December. I preached about lowliness and Mary’s lowliness. I also preached about my experiences with being made humble. I am constantly humbled in hospital rooms... but it takes that for me to realize often times how much I need God. I easily fall into the notion that I can do it on my own. I think I can claim something for myself, I think I can claim some of my successes. But I realize in those hospital rooms that I can claim nothing. I am nothing and it is only by the grace of God that I am saved... it is only by the grace of God that any of us are saved. Now, if only we can we realize/remember this!

That’s it for tonight I believe.

Kate

Work, Work, Work

And so... it is beginning to seem like all I do is work, meet with people, or do church related activities. It isn’t really a bad thing. In fact, I really like what I do. But it just seems like time is going way too quickly and before I know it, it will be the end of the term and I will be busting my butt to get everything done and turned in - yet again. I can’t believe we are already in the third week of the term. I cannot believe that Holy Week is next week. I can’t believe that next week is when I find out where I will be spending the next year of my life. I really can’t believe that is next week. It seems like two days ago when it was three and a half weeks away... now it’s a week away. I don’t know, things are crazy. Crazy busy, but not in a bad way I think.

In other news I have either developed allergies (finally) or am sick again. I actually think I never really shook what I had in December which is why I got sick four weeks ago. Since then, I’ve still been coughing and occasionally blowing my nose even though I feel great. Well, I developed a sore throat on Saturday and Sunday and now it’s moved into sneezing and a pseudo-runny nose. So I finally buckled down and made an appointment at the health center over at Capital. I’m hoping if this is really a reoccurring thing, I’ll get some nice drugs to help knock it out of my system. I still feel pretty good (a little tired, but that’s normal), but this whole coughing thing is just confusing. And I think what is most confusing is that I’m taking care of myself and I’m actually getting enough (or almost enough) sleep. Either my immune system is going down the tubes or something is up (like maybe allergies... but do they come with a sore throat?). I actually think this is the sickest (December and March) I have been in years. Probably since my freshman year of high school. I don’t know. Anyway, I’ll let you know what the (hopefully) helpful people at the health center say tomorrow.

Kate