Dang it!

I’m really beginning to hate being good at and liking many things. Sure, it gives me options and opportunities - but it just seems to be complicating my life.

Maybe some more information might be helpful. I’ve really been struggling for the past eight months or so to discern what I am called to do. I wrote a nice long post a while back about the possibility of going to grad school and getting a PhD. People told me that last year, that I should think about going on in school, but I dismissed them. It was easy to dismiss them. This year has been different, however. Every time I turn around, somebody is suggesting that I should go on. And the thing is... I want to. I love school. I love studying. And, as much as it sometimes stinks, I really like writing papers. I’m sick, I know it, but I like it. I’ve had conversation after conversation with my advisor, Wally Taylor. He and I just sat down again yesterday to talk about whether I should stay here another year or two and get an STM or just go on, or neither of the two. I’m not any closer to a decision today than I was yesterday before we met, but at least I gained some new information which was good.

But here’s the catch, there are two other things that have my heart too. Parish ministry is a big one, the one that brought me to seminary in the first place. That’s where I thought I was heading for sure when I started here. I still like it and I’m sure I’ll eat up internship. But then last summer, I gained a new love. I found that I really like hospital chaplaincy. CPE taught me a lot and there is just something about the craziness of the hospital plus the reality check it gives me every time I go in that draws me in. I love it. In fact, I’ve continued to do on call work for the hospital this past academic year and I used to get paged into the hospital every single time I was on. Additionally, I got some weird, weird situations. It was definitely difficult stuff, but I liked it. But I have managed to have a reversal of luck and have not been paged in since early April. I’ve been on plenty of times (eight nights in the last three weeks alone) and have not been paged in. And you know what? I miss it. Last night was my final night on call before the new CPE students for the summer took over and I was hoping I would get paged in, but no such luck. I even got two pages, direct pages even, and did not have to go in. I love hospital chaplaincy and I miss it...

What brought all of this up, though, was a trip into the hospital today to turn in my pager, key, and badge. Last summer one of the units I was assigned to was MICU (the Medical Intensive Care Unit). So today, when I went in, I talked with the chaplain whose unit that normally is. She told me that the people up there still talk about me and how wonderful it was to have me up there. Apparently I did some good work up there. She also said, “I don’t know if you’ve thought about it... but I would really like for you to consider doing this some day. Or, at least doing a residency. You’d be very good at it. I’ve heard nothing but good things.” That’s almost the exact same conversation I’ve had with professors here except no talk about residency and the “this” refers to grad school or teaching and not chaplaincy. I actually started tearing up in the office when she told me that. Really it was the part when she said that they missed me and they still talk about me in MICU. I miss them too. There’s also something about it, about the intensity of the experience, that takes me back there and I remember with fondness what happened there last summer. I don’t know exactly either why I start crying when I think about it - I am right now even.

But even in addition to knowing that I had done a good job and the fond memories, part of me internally screamed, “NO!!! Don’t tell me that!” Don’t affirm me, don’t tell me that I’m actually good at something I love. Don’t tell me that because it is another thing I’m good at and I love. I’m good at scholarly stuff and I love it. I’ve been told I’m good in the parish too and I love that. Don’t tell me because that just further complicates my life. Why can’t I be good at one thing? Why can’t I love only one thing? Then I would know what I am called to do. If I were only good at parish ministry, that’d be great. Let me graduate with my M. Div. and let me get out there into a parish... but no other considerations complicate my life... no decision to make. But at the moment I’ve got some serious decisions to make, particularly because time is flying by and I will probably have to hit the ground running my senior year with at least some decision made. That’s especially true if I decide to go directly into grad school for my PhD. Most applications are due by December or January. And if I want to do a year long residency, that stuff probably needs to be in around January for interviews later. And if I want to do an STM here for another year or two, that application needs to be in. Otherwise I could do nothing and just be going out into the parish, which wouldn’t be a bad thing, it’s just that I don’t know if that ‘s where I’m supposed to be. That’s my problem - where am I supposed to be? If I go to the parish, will I regret not going to grad school? Or if I go to grad school, will I regret not doing a residency. I’m kind of afraid of making the “wrong” decision which means that I waste time and money. I just don’t know.

I’m hoping that internship helps clear some of this up. But I don’t know about that... it might only add fuel to the fire further complicating my life. It might be the next affirmation that leads to another internal scream. I don’t want to yell “NO!” anymore, I’m tired of doing that. I want a dang answer. I want passion for one thing and one thing only. I want a decision. In the meantime I will be living in the tension as every good Lutheran does.

(Now that I’ve written a novel... more later)

Kate