Made

I was made to be immersed in the Word.

The first week or two of this past month was good. For a while I enjoyed not having much to do. I enjoyed breathing again, getting more sleep, and catching up with friends I did not have much time to talk to during the course of the school year. I enjoyed doing what I was not able to do while I was in school, relaxing. But after a week or two, I was done with it and ready to move on, but I was in denial about that. Since the school year ended just before Memorial Day, I've read three 500-page novels and Giving to God (another Mark Powell Book). I've also watched two full seasons of 24 (24 one-hour episodes each) which catches me up to the end of the current season. I have also managed to watch most of the first season of House again (about 16 hour long episodes) in addition to several movies. Even with all this fun stuff I was doing, I felt kind of lost. I was bored some of the time and no softball game, novel, movie, or TV episode was going to cure it either. I felt like I had not purpose and could not wait for July when I would have something to do again.

I realized some time in the past week that part of the problem was that I was made to be immersed in the Word. Because God stuff is what I do all the time (or so it would seem), I felt like I needed a break from it. Even though I continued to go to worship, I wasn't taking the time I needed to do devotions or flat out read the Bible. I wasn't thinking theologically at all. I wasn't questioning things like I normally do. I was stalled out in the emptiness of the fun stuff thinking that I needed more of a break and fighting to return to that for which I was made. But I realized that I needed to spend more time with the Word. I needed to return to that for which I was made. I needed to spend more time with God. I was missing it and realized it. It's helped so far. I feel like I have refound my purpose. Look for more from me in the realm of theology and questions as I expect to be thinking through a lot more in the immediate future. =)

Kate

Good Stuff

I had a wide open weekend this past weekend... the first one in a long time. It was kind of nice, but in some respects also more of what I’ve been trying to avoid all summer thus far. Because I’m only working a few hours each week, I have had lots of time to myself which has led to boredom at times (but not always). So with a wide open weekend, I wasn’t sure what to do with myself and it seemed like shades of boring times for me. Plus, it was more of the same stuff I have been doing during the week. Normally a weekend is a nice break, but I think I’ve been having a nice long break for the past month. But the weekend turned out well.

After sleeping in on Saturday, one of my friends called and asked if I wanted to go golfing. I played a nice round of golf from about 2 to 5:30 or so. It could have been a tad bit cooler, but it was sunny and really beautiful weather. The first couple of holes were not great for me. But after the fourth hole, I found my swing and played the rest of the round well. It was a good time. I have to say golf is truly wonderful, especially when the weather is beautiful as well. You get to be outside on grass and in the sun and take the time to enjoy it all because golfing is so relaxed. It can be a frustrating game if you’re really competitive (I sometimes fall subject to this), but as long as you step back and enjoy the surroundings, it makes it all better.

By the time I got back from golfing I ate dinner, showered, and relaxed a bit before going to bed. Sunday was the first Sunday in a long time I have not had a church commitment. The Sunday before, Fathers Day, was my last Sunday at my MIC site, so this one was free. I was intially going to go to church down the street at Christ. But as my alarm was going off, I kept hitting snooze and just couldn’t get myself out of bed. So at some point, I just decided to enjoy one of my few Sundays off from church. I kind of missed church, but it was probably good for me not to go and just take a break. Plus, we’re doing chapel at Trinity this summer so I have the ability (and have been taking advantage of this) to go to church five days a week. Today I even led worship at Trinity. So it’s not like I’m really lacking in the God-worshiping area. Plenty more opportunities to worship on a Sunday morning anyway. =)

The rest of Sunday was spent running errands and playing softball. I went to Wal-Mart for something I haven’t found at Target but have been able to get at Wal-Mart. I was reminded why I almost never go there anymore. Packed at 1:30 on a Sunday afternoon. I was also struck by how much I haven’t realized what happens on a Sunday outside of church. My typical Sunday looked like an unbelievably early morning followed by many hours of church. Then lunch, followed by a nap after my return home. Following my nap, I would get up and do homework during the school year and then since May it’s been softball. But in driving around Sunday afternoon, I realized that a lot of people treat Sunday as their Saturday. They are so busy going to soccer, little league, ballet, etc... on Saturday that they skip church, sleep-in on Sunday, and then run errands in the afternoon. Or, they go out and do things. The roads were packed in the afternoon whereas in the mornings on Sundays they are clear but I miss all the afternoon traffic because I’m curled up in my bed dreaming away or at my desk studying. It’s like another world out there!

Alright, enough rambling about the weekend. I’m sure I’ll post more later. Until then.

Kate

America's Got Talent?

Last night I was flipping channels and wound up watching a half hour of a show that I'm not sure why I was watching it. The show is on the Bravo network and is called America's Got Talent. It's kind of a knock off of American Idol, but not really (if that makes sense). There are three judges, some British guy I have no idea who he is (read Simon Cowell wannabe), Brandy (read Paula Abdul), and David Hasselhoff (yes, I said David Hasselhoff). There is also a host... that would be Regis Philbin. The part of the show I caught last night was the audition phase. Every fifteen minutes or so Regis calls up new people from the audience to do their act. Now, this is not strictly singing like American Idol, so the acts range in everything from singing to gymnastics, to shadow dancing with a pony. There's some really good stuff and some really wacky stuff (i.e. shadow dancing with a pony). Each of the three judges have a buzzer with an X and during the course of each act, they can hit their buzzer to show their displeasure. The act is done when all three have buzzed the person out or when the person/people are done. If they don't get buzzed, the three judges then vote whether or not to let the act advance to the next round. So "American Idolesque" but not quite.

I have to admit that I'm not quite sure why I kept watching it. Part of it was, I suppose, that nothing else even remotely interested me. I think another part was I wanted to see what wild crazy act was going come next. There was one guy who was a retired nuclear engineer who claimed he was the oldest male stripper... they let him go and David Hasselhoff didn't buzz in just so he would see how far the guy would go. I've never actually seen American Idol and am not even really interested in that show or the format which is another reason why I wondered why I kept watching. I also kept thinking about the sad state of American television and society that such shows find popularity. They have David Hasselhoff judging talent for crying out loud. =) There is also the problem of how badly people want to be famous. Some of these acts were simply not entertaining and many were outright embarrassing. But people were more than willing to get up there and make fools of themselves thinking that they were going to be the next big thing. Some were even angry when they were voted off for a lack of talent (which was usually painfully obvious). Some people were talented, but not in a way that would be suitable for the show (like a harpist - she was good, but not what the show is looking for). How badly do we want people to know who we are? To be set apart from everybody else as somebody special? What if I said that we are already set apart? That's part of our baptism. We are called, we are set apart, and in a way that is way more meaningful than being famous among people. But I guess being famous can be way more gratifying now and is more appealing.

Oh well... I have a feeling I won't be watching that show anymore... not unless there is nothing else on and I decide I want to watch some really crappy TV. =)

Kate

Randomness and Birthdays

Today I was working on putting a bunch of address labels on flyers to be mailed. It’s not a bad job really. I sat on my bed and put mailing labels on the flyers while watching 24... something to do with my hands while watching 24, I’m all for it. Anyway, in the course of all this I put a label on a flyer with the address for World Harvest Church. I thought it was funny that they are on our mailing list. There is no way they want to come to a preaching text study here at Trinity! I think they are a bunch of heretics and they probably think we are too. Yet we still send them stuff... that’s probably a wasted 39 cents... but maybe not. =)

On another note, today was also my birthday. After dinner, Joel and I (Jenn was going to come, but opted for homework/sleep instead) went to Magic Mountain and played mini-golf (he won by one stroke), drove go-karts (he beat me again, but I contend he had a faster kart =) ), and then hit a few rounds in the batting cages. We then went over to Old Bag of Nails and had a beer and some fried pickles (yum... fried pickles). It was great fun... it’s been ages since I played mini-golf and I always enjoy driving go-karts. It was good. Plus, my friends Jonathan and Laura gave birth to their son Evan (well really, Laura did) this morning so I now share my birthday with my friends’ son. I think that’s kind of fun. =)

No big theological ponderings tonight. Maybe more later...

Kate

Lacking...

One of my friends pointed out something to me tonight that I was already aware of... that I simply do not post as much as I used to. There is a complete lack of posting going on, and now it seems that I have the time to do it yet somehow, it just doesn't happen. In many ways, I often think I would like to post something, but can't seem to find a topic to post on. I'm not exactly sure if I'm becoming less contemplative or if things that strike me somehow get lost in the midst of the day and don't make it to the computer at the end of the day. I keep complaining about how bored I'm becoming... there are hours that I work, but I am finding that I have a lot of free time on my hands and I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. There are lots of things that I want to read, but I'm also finding it to be a challenge to sit down with a theological book right now. I think I'm in a rebel phase - kind of like, "Theology is what I do all the time... so now that I have a break I don't want to turn it into a theology thing..." But then I think about the fact that I want to read these books and don't have the time to do so when I am "doing the theology thing." I don't know... kind of bored and not really sure what to do with myself. Perhaps I will start reading theology stuff and writing more here... that'd give me something to do. That is if all you people out there want to read about theology stuff that I'm reading... =)

How's that for a stream of consciousness? A lot to take in I suppose... maybe not. But it is certainly all for now.

Kate

Weekend

I hope that this will be a few short reflections; but somehow, I doubt it will actually turn out that way.

I returned today from a weekend up in Chagrin Falls at my internship site. I got to spend some quality time with my supervisor and his family plus the current intern as well as the congregation. I went up on Saturday and hung out a bit. Sunday morning, I worshiped with the congregation and was introduced. Then that afternoon, Dave, the current intern, and I went to lunch. Following lunch, I somehow got roped into helping set up for the congregation picnic which I went to last night. That was pretty cool. One of the Remax hot air balloons was at the picnic (two people in the congregation, a married couple, are remax realtors) and they gave tethered rides. You know, I grew up around balloons and have been to the Albuquerque Balloon Fiesta I don’t know how many times and it takes me moving to Ohio and going to a church picnic to actually go up in one!

This weekend made me a bit more excited about internship. There was one thing that was sort of interesting for me though. My supervisor, Rob, always introduces me as Pastor Kate. He’s also quick to say that I’ll be the next intern, that I’m Intern Pastor Kate, but I’m Pastor Kate to a lot of people, particularly his kids. Hearing the title in front of my name is sort of odd. It isn’t odd in a bad way, but just odd. I think I was way more comfortable with Chaplain Kate for the past year. But there is something about being Pastor Kate that makes me pause for a second and realize that I am taking the next step and will be part of the pastoral team. It’s not bad, just different I suppose.

More reflections later... but for now I’m thinking bed is a good thing.

Kate

Dang it!

I’m really beginning to hate being good at and liking many things. Sure, it gives me options and opportunities - but it just seems to be complicating my life.

Maybe some more information might be helpful. I’ve really been struggling for the past eight months or so to discern what I am called to do. I wrote a nice long post a while back about the possibility of going to grad school and getting a PhD. People told me that last year, that I should think about going on in school, but I dismissed them. It was easy to dismiss them. This year has been different, however. Every time I turn around, somebody is suggesting that I should go on. And the thing is... I want to. I love school. I love studying. And, as much as it sometimes stinks, I really like writing papers. I’m sick, I know it, but I like it. I’ve had conversation after conversation with my advisor, Wally Taylor. He and I just sat down again yesterday to talk about whether I should stay here another year or two and get an STM or just go on, or neither of the two. I’m not any closer to a decision today than I was yesterday before we met, but at least I gained some new information which was good.

But here’s the catch, there are two other things that have my heart too. Parish ministry is a big one, the one that brought me to seminary in the first place. That’s where I thought I was heading for sure when I started here. I still like it and I’m sure I’ll eat up internship. But then last summer, I gained a new love. I found that I really like hospital chaplaincy. CPE taught me a lot and there is just something about the craziness of the hospital plus the reality check it gives me every time I go in that draws me in. I love it. In fact, I’ve continued to do on call work for the hospital this past academic year and I used to get paged into the hospital every single time I was on. Additionally, I got some weird, weird situations. It was definitely difficult stuff, but I liked it. But I have managed to have a reversal of luck and have not been paged in since early April. I’ve been on plenty of times (eight nights in the last three weeks alone) and have not been paged in. And you know what? I miss it. Last night was my final night on call before the new CPE students for the summer took over and I was hoping I would get paged in, but no such luck. I even got two pages, direct pages even, and did not have to go in. I love hospital chaplaincy and I miss it...

What brought all of this up, though, was a trip into the hospital today to turn in my pager, key, and badge. Last summer one of the units I was assigned to was MICU (the Medical Intensive Care Unit). So today, when I went in, I talked with the chaplain whose unit that normally is. She told me that the people up there still talk about me and how wonderful it was to have me up there. Apparently I did some good work up there. She also said, “I don’t know if you’ve thought about it... but I would really like for you to consider doing this some day. Or, at least doing a residency. You’d be very good at it. I’ve heard nothing but good things.” That’s almost the exact same conversation I’ve had with professors here except no talk about residency and the “this” refers to grad school or teaching and not chaplaincy. I actually started tearing up in the office when she told me that. Really it was the part when she said that they missed me and they still talk about me in MICU. I miss them too. There’s also something about it, about the intensity of the experience, that takes me back there and I remember with fondness what happened there last summer. I don’t know exactly either why I start crying when I think about it - I am right now even.

But even in addition to knowing that I had done a good job and the fond memories, part of me internally screamed, “NO!!! Don’t tell me that!” Don’t affirm me, don’t tell me that I’m actually good at something I love. Don’t tell me that because it is another thing I’m good at and I love. I’m good at scholarly stuff and I love it. I’ve been told I’m good in the parish too and I love that. Don’t tell me because that just further complicates my life. Why can’t I be good at one thing? Why can’t I love only one thing? Then I would know what I am called to do. If I were only good at parish ministry, that’d be great. Let me graduate with my M. Div. and let me get out there into a parish... but no other considerations complicate my life... no decision to make. But at the moment I’ve got some serious decisions to make, particularly because time is flying by and I will probably have to hit the ground running my senior year with at least some decision made. That’s especially true if I decide to go directly into grad school for my PhD. Most applications are due by December or January. And if I want to do a year long residency, that stuff probably needs to be in around January for interviews later. And if I want to do an STM here for another year or two, that application needs to be in. Otherwise I could do nothing and just be going out into the parish, which wouldn’t be a bad thing, it’s just that I don’t know if that ‘s where I’m supposed to be. That’s my problem - where am I supposed to be? If I go to the parish, will I regret not going to grad school? Or if I go to grad school, will I regret not doing a residency. I’m kind of afraid of making the “wrong” decision which means that I waste time and money. I just don’t know.

I’m hoping that internship helps clear some of this up. But I don’t know about that... it might only add fuel to the fire further complicating my life. It might be the next affirmation that leads to another internal scream. I don’t want to yell “NO!” anymore, I’m tired of doing that. I want a dang answer. I want passion for one thing and one thing only. I want a decision. In the meantime I will be living in the tension as every good Lutheran does.

(Now that I’ve written a novel... more later)

Kate

666

Happy Mark of the Beast Day!!! =)

How many people out there can tell me where that comes from? And why 666 is such a famous number? I’m hoping that many people can... so let me know. Post a comment.

It’s kind of fun that we have such fun dates right now. I will say that 6 is not quite 7 (obvious I know) and 7 is the number of perfection. Thus, 6 is not perfect, in fact it is almost the opposite - it tries to be perfect but isn’t. Thus, 666 is really, really imperfect. Next year, July 7 will be the day of perfection I suppose (07/07/07). =) Last year we had Cinqo de Mayo on 05/05/05. That was kind of fun. But do I really put any meaning in all of this? Not really. Today has actually been a pretty good day. No beast working in my life today I guess. =)

Enough fun with numbers I suppose. I kind of want to do some theological pondering, but I’ve got nothing at the moment. More later I guess - maybe tomorrow night. =)

Kate

Limbo

I’m kind of in emotional limbo right now. Graduation was Saturday and now most of my friends who are seniors have left or are about to leave. Today, Jen packed up the rest of her stuff and left to go home (Illinois) for the summer before she moves to Portland for internship. As she and I hugged and said goodbye, I think I was just in shock or something. I don’t know that it has really hit me that we won’t see each other very much for the next year and a half. I don’t think it has sunk in.

Two weeks ago, at our internship sending service, I was very emotional. I think part of it was because I realized how quickly the past two years have gone and how fast the next two will go. I think I then put myself at graduation and that we were all leaving, not for a year, but for good. I am fairly good friends with many of the seniors and extremely good friends with many people in my class. It is hard to leave.

But now I’m just emotionally not present, or in limbo maybe. Now that many people have left and there aren’t very many of us left here, I’m adjusting. But, I think the reality of internship, the reality that I won’t be with any of my friends next year, has set in. Internship is becoming a reality in the sense that I was just up there and at least now I have a picture of what it is going to look like (at least a little bit). But in terms of leaving here, leaving Trinity, I just don’t think I’m there and I don’t think I’m ready to be there either. Right now it just seems like the past two summers... people not here, but they will come back and we’ll start classes again. But that’s only half true. People will come back, but I won’t start classes with them for another year! I’m in limbo, emotional limbo.

Emotional limbo stinks! On one hand, I’m excited about internship, on the other I know the reality hasn’t really sunk in yet. Hopefully I’ll come out of limbo soon... but I know it will eventually happen. =)

Kate

Internship and Other Stuff

It has been over a week since classes ended and almost a week since I finished my last paper. Life is good. I’ve spent a considerable amount of time doing nothing which has been very nice. Wednesday I even sat outside from about three in the afternoon until about nine or ten that night. I read in the sun, we grilled and ate outside, we sat around and talked. It’s good. I’ve enjoyed this time recovering from the stress of the end of the term by doing a whole lot of nothing.

I’m still working a bit - some time in the computer lab and one week I will also be spending some time at the front desk answering phones. The computer lab is a little dull now that I don’t have homework to do... but I think that’s what books and movies are for.

Thursday I went up to my internship site for my friend Lorin’s wedding. He was there last year as an intern. I thought it would be neat to go up there and check it out - kind of fly under the radar. That didn’t happen. I was introduced to a few people before the ceremony and then, thankfully, I was able to worship in peace. But about half an hour into the reception, one of the people I was introduced to before the ceremony came over, apologized for the interruption, and introduced me to two more people. That seemed to start a flow of people that either figured out that I was the next intern, I was pointed out to from across the room, or I was introduced to by several people. I was led around the room and introduced to more people... I took pictures with people. It was crazy.

Some reflections on the site - I think it will be a good place and I’m really looking forward to it. I got to hang out a bit with my supervisor which was good. I stayed the night with him and his family which meant we got to talk a bit the next morning before I left to come back here. I think I lucked out - he seems like a great supervisor which is what I thought when he was down here for the meet and greet back in February. In the meantime, I’m going back up next weekend for an official visit. I’ll get to see the house I’ll be living in and worship with the congregation on Sunday morning. I might even hang around for the church picnic Sunday evening, I haven’t decided. I will reflect more later I’m sure. =)

As for the rest of the summer - I’m looking forward to spending time reading what I want to read and doing nothing. I’m looking forward to playing some softball. I’m looking forward to this summer. I think there will be times I will get bored, there already have been. But I think it will be good for me.

And now I’m rambling... so I’ll stop here.

Kate